My Marital Tombstone
I lived through the death of my marriage brought on by my disloyal husband. My first marriage is dead in the grave. I didn’t know I would be a “starter wife” when I took my vows, but who ever does?
There was a time when I would’ve been happy to attend my ex-husband’s funeral. How sick does that make me? There would be a sense of warped contentment, “warped” being the the all-knowing key word here. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not so unhealthy that I don’t know it’s not a good thing to feel. But I’ll be damned if there aren’t some of you out there who know exactly what I mean when it comes to the infidelity of their spouse.
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” wasn’t a little proverb made up under pleasant circumstances. Those 17th century playwrights knew what they were talking about. It’s a universal, timeless feeling, believe me. I suppose it’s just merely an expression of my grief, my heartache, my pain. There is an indescribable pain that I don’t believe will ever totally go away. It comes in short bursts of sinister humor…hearing of a plane crash and wishing he had been on it, or knowing he’s on a business trip and thinking that perhaps he’ll meet his fate in a fiery crash on the highway.
I used to joke that I was getting better because in the beginning when the pain was fresh and brand new, I used to wish him dead, and now I just wish him paralyzed from the waist down. I’ve actually uttered those words aloud to a few close to me. And everyone, sane and crimeless, who knows harm isn’t really on the agenda, chuckles nervously along with me knowing my humor is really borne of personal pain. But it is a chuckle I deserved.
I do believe I would be happier if he weren’t on the face of this planet. It’s hard to live with this infidelity fallout, even though it all happened long ago. And even harder I sometimes think…is knowing his life has gone on, and he’s seemingly happy with the marriage to his mistress, and his decision to leave his family.
My self-ascribed scorn has matured over the years. No longer does it mope in a revengeful desire for death or physical tragedy. Instead it is now full-grown, and has ripened into a burgeoning desire for true justice. That justice would come in the form of “her” leaving “him” for another man. How I would relish that. I could live on that justice for a long time. I just want him to know what the ultimate betrayal and disloyalty feels like.
It’s funny how conversations with others are made to be polite, filled with appropriate speak. However, here on paper, pithy words are allowed to stumble onto the page, with their glaring truth. You don’t talk about your divorce or your family being “broken”. Others think I’ve moved on cause of course I have, but what they don’t know is the shadow of my marital tombstone continues to rise over me, forever shading bits and pieces of my life. It’s hard to explain if you haven’t lived it.
While I don’t know what goes on inside his head when we find ourselves in the same room together, I do know that it’s bizarre to me how he can act like nothing’s happened. He’s got a great facade, and the “proper adult” comes out as he so politely extends his greetings. Yeah, he’s being the grown up, but I want to scream, “where the hell was the grown up when you made such a shitty choice to cheat?!” I wish I could act. I wish I could politely extend MY greetings and actually mean it. Mine come out more like a half-assed attempt at pleasantries. To GIVE him a “hello” is like giving him a piece of me that he no longer deserves. He doesn’t deserve ANY pleasantries from me. Inside I’m gagging, and just wishing he’d go to hell. I don’t do well in his presence. I don’t do well talking on the phone to him. I don’t want to see him at graduations and weddings and baptisms. I don’t want to see him at anything ever again.
Like all grave markers, my marital tombstone marks the life and death of something once vibrantly alive. I, him, the children…have all made our lives what they are today, and only the skeleton memories and the marker of time remain everlasting.
Married April 1, 1989
Brought 2 children into the world on January 1, 1994 and September 11, 1997
Marriage left to die November 10, 2001 when children were ages 4 and 7
Divorced March 13, 2002.