Thank You Jim Gaffigan For Keeping It Real About Drinking Shots

“Really the only time to drink a shot is never”

Mostly the people that are drunk in bars

are drunk because they’re drinking shots and…

Really the only time to drink a shot is never.

No one’s ever drank a shot and then done something they’re proud of.

“I got wasted last night, and then I went out and built some low-income housing.”

That never happens.

You always wake up the next day and you’re like, “I need a new identity. Maybe two of them.”

Cause if you’re drinking shots it’s either your birthday or you’re trying to forget you were ever born.

There is something honest about a shot.

It’s like, “I want to get right to the embarrassing part of the night, right to pants off.”

But we don’t even drink shots. We take them like they’re medicine.

This’ll cure my normal behavior.

Everyone acts like we’re in a Western. (mimicks drinking shot)

That will give me the courage to confront this plate of nachos.

This bit has been around for a couple years, but I just heard it recently. It stopped me in my tracks because the recreational activity of drinking shots is a mystery to me, and Jim (may I call you Jim?) succinctly put the comedic spin on it that it needed in my head.

Nothing is succinct in my head. Is it ever for a writer? Doesn’t it all just swim around in a most not concise manner, trying to see the light of day some how some way?

And when you bring it out of the swampy depths and to the paper, you try to get it right. You try to be brief, not convoluted, and Jim did that for me.

Thank you, Jim, for getting to the point.

I don’t get shots. They’re nasty.

Wasted is not a favorable destination for me.

I have a whole thing about drinking. Blame it on my alcoholic ex. Go back and read the threads from my soul and you’ll see what I mean.

I’m your reasonable, boring, buzz-kill friend. If you need that, I’m your gal.

Clink, clink. The shots of tequila, jagermeister, or whatever horseshit is poured for the gungho are tossed down their gullets with gusto.

I’m just watching the show.

I will admit I did a couple shots at one very loungey (is that a word?) outing in the last decade, but to tell you that I later threw up in my purse in an Uber to avoid the vomit charge, will merely prove my point. Shots aren’t good for anyone. Ever.

This is Jim Gaffigan’s point.

So I’m watching those around me shoot their shots, and most everyone has that cringey look on their face. You know the one. You’ve done it. You swallow and your face scrunches up in revulsion or you do that throaty ahhh sound of disgust all the while trying to sound stoic and cool. It’s not a look of enjoyment. It’s a look of that was gross.

But everyone’s all fake-cheery, having their fake fun that in a couple hours or four will not feel so fun afterall.

Drinking stories are the best, aren’t they? Sober never made for a good story, so peer pressure at every age lives on. Yay peer pressure! Get old enough like me and you get to the fuck-you stage. That’s the best.

Let’s assume you’re not an alcoholic. Please tell me why you want to do a shot. I’d like to take a poll.

You’re drinking your drinky drinks, whatever they may be, and the night is such that you’ll be doing that for several hours cause you’re out with friends, at a bar or party, or vacationing, or some such thing. You know the beer or margaritas or whatever drinky drinks you drink will be getting you loosey goosey over the evening, and bring you to some level of inebriation.

That was the goal, right? Or at the very least a highly anticipated end result.

So please tell me why you feel the need to have a shot or two or three? Do you need to get there quicker? Is total inebriation the destination and you don’t think your beer will be the most effective mode of transportation to get you there? Do you do it because others are doing it and you feel the need to fit in? Does it make you feel like a man? Does it make you a cool chick? Do you want to feel like shit later? Do you enjoy waking up with a headache and a fuzzy tongue? Do you like to be parted with large amounts of your money all for the sake of a round of shots?

Please do share.

I’ve been there. I’ve done that. And I don’t get it.

I’m with Jim.

Really the only time to drink a shot is never.